Have you been contemplating having an affair? Not getting your needs met with your current partner? Chances are you are feeling ignored, not desired, not listened to, taken for granted, or not important. Perhaps you are craving a combination of these elements?
Typically both men and women who contemplate an affair have longed for these cravings, and typically for some time. Many clients, students, and people in general have heard me state this many times: I do not condone or excuse affairs! The advice below will help significantly in reducing the possibility affairs or the relationship becoming boring and ending! Most of the couples I see in my office evolve out of an affair being exposed. Either the husband or wife (GF/BF) had been caught having an affair. This also includes same-sex relationships.
Actually, no matter what the biased statistics report, just about as many women have affairs as men! I typically refer to the number of affairs occurring as such: 85% percent are caused by a group of “reasons.” The remaining involved in infidelity typically are left to this: the man or woman is a dog. It’s your choice if you want to stay in that situation.
Now, let me get down to those so-called “reasons” people may wander into the world of infidelity. It is important to express that I never condone or excuse affairs! Though, we must know what caused them in order to rectify the issues, if possible. Then we work towards rebuilding trust. Reasons typically expressed in my office are: Not feeling important, loved, desired, respected, or variations relating to those domains.
Often, one partner may feel a lack of importance versus the kids, relatives, work, friends, you name it. For most, me included in the mix, not feeling desired or being able to turn your partner on, simply sucks and hurts to the core. Seeking out to reduce or eliminate those pains typically what creates the onset of affairs.
Believe it or not, most affairs are not planned out, or calculated. They commence as little conversations, with the feelings of being actually noticed and heard. Awww, those feelings of feeling important and cared for catapult the cravings lost in the relationship to the surface. They become addicting, in a sense…
I spoke on a previous The Art of Relationships Radio Show episode on “What Men Want!” Here's some insights from the show to key in on: 1) Respect, 2) No Nagging, 3) Affirmation, 4) Affection, 5) Look at Disagreements differently, 6) Don't Treat Men like only a Paycheck, 7) How Men Show Empathy, 8) Dress Nice Once in a while.
For Men: Pay attention to her, show her you still desire and crave her body and soul. If work or buddies take more precedence over her the majority of the time, then she will find someone who will make her feel important, will leave your ass, or both. Stop taking her for granted! Express your appreciation and respect for her. Keep kissing her deeply and keep touching her sensually. Do not stop telling her how much she is adored, loved, and that she is beautiful. Little gestures of appreciation as in notes, making her feel emotionally safe and secure go a long way. Take her out occasionally, just the two of you! Do not belittle or call her names (pet names or bedroom names she loves is definitely okay! LOL)
For Ladies: Do not take him for granted or make him feel like just a paycheck. Laugh and joke with him! Most men feel a deep emotional connection when being with you sexually; Do not forget this! If your man does not feel important, takes a back seat to your friends, the kids (if had together), or your family; he will distance himself. Do not stop showing desire for him!
One of our biggest fear is that once we marry or live with you, the sexual relations will dwindle and cease. This will make us feel not desired, not loved, and being used. Once we feel as such, we will pull away, leave, or find someone who shows and gives us what we crave from you. Both: never stop talking, I mean deeply! Not just about the weather, work, or the kids. Talk about each other!!!
If your partner is feeling loved and desired, plus accepted and appreciated! Make sure you actual hear one another, listened to, and stop being "too busy" for one another! The above will help significantly in reducing the possibility affairs or the relationship becoming boring and ending. This is a condensed version of why people swerved into cheating or infidelity.
Another consideration may actually be a physical decrease in attraction towards your partner, or one suffering from a chronic medical conditions. Sadly, these may seem superficial, though do create issues on the basic human attraction levels.
However, most affairs stem from a lack of emotional connection and “getting one another.” This is the first place I target with the couples I serve.
Greg Dudzinski, MS, LPC
Detroit’s Love Guru
Licensed Professional Counselor
Relationship and Sex Expert
Photo: Courtesy of Google Images
Love is a story. It's a journey of bliss, or setbacks, challenges and joy. Remember you are the author of your story. How do you want to be loved, to be desired, respected. Do you want affection, passionate sex and to be a priority in your story?
What is your leading role partner about? Does he challenge you mentally, honest to you no matter if you like it or not? Remember, you are the author.....
What is your love story? and remember, you can rewrite your love story if your past one was not a best seller.........
Yes, we all need to learn key elements in humanism and world view into people and kindness. We do not know everyone's story or circumstances... A few years ago I just finished teaching a few college classes, and was on my way to my counseling office. Well this "young punk ass" (well there were other expletives used) ran a red light, turned left instead of doing the turn about. Well, this young punk was pulled over by the police... I yelled, "serves you right asshole!"
Well, the young man and police were rushing and then this young man grabs his lifeless young daughter out of the back seat (about 8 months old) and rushed into the cop car then hurried onto the emergency room.... My heart sank......
With my knowledge, training and back ground in counseling psychology; albeit, i was reminded yet again about realizing to place myself in other's shoes.. A daily lesson I try to help couples do in my office.... I am forever humbled by that experience... Yes, I am usually humble, though a joking smart ass too; though at that very moment, I was forced to become even more humble with others.. A lesson I'll never forget...
Happy Friday everyone! Peace and love to you! Have a great 4th of July weekend!
Now, how many people are disappointed in your relationship or marriage? You know, it's not what you imagined, or even fantasized about? The passion and in-love feelings have dwindled and you start thinking that this sucks! This is not what I signed up for!
Do you actually have realistic expectations for what a happy and healthy relationship is? It's not just my definition of that, it needs to be for the both of you..
When times are tough, stressful and perhaps you are not feeling connected, what do you do about it? Do you bitch and complain? Better yet, do you bash your partner to your friends or family members? Hell, everyone does this, right? Well, you need to stop that immediately!
When the times are tough and not feeling connected, I want you talk about it with your partner! Not yelling, screaming ,or remaining silent! Relationships do ebb and flow. It's when the relationships ebb that you need to dig deep and realize it may just be a normal relationship condition or process, then reach for your partner's hurt or pain.
Though talk about it, be open and honest, versus hateful in discussing that your relationship may not be what you would like, or that you'd like it better! Terrific! Then start looking at what changes are needed to make you both feel more alive, connected and passionate in the relationship again.
Don't be ashamed either if you need professional help! You have a broken bone, you go to the doctor right? Hell even a tooth is bothering you, you go to the Dentist... So.... I know it's not easy talking about the emotional guts and soul of your essence and relationship, though seek help if needed... :)