This is the age old question I get asked by my female clients and students alike. I truly believe women already know the answer deep down. Okay, maybe it’s not that deep down, more like it’s just below the surface. It hurts like hell, though many women have a difficult time transitioning from getting out of their own way emotionally.
Now, you are reading this, stating one of two things, either: 1) Greg, you’re an a-hole, or 2) That’s right Greg, tell it! Which side of that fence you stand depends on perhaps, which gender you are; and also how much confidence you hold. Yes, confidence and I’ll get into that shortly.
For starters, men need to gain the balls to be honest, no matter what! Yes, no matter what our ladies reactions may spew, we need to stay strong, dig deep and be honest! Women, you need to get a grip and accept honesty. “What the hell are you saying Greg; I can accept honesty!” I can almost feel the tension build. Your eyes and mouth begin to snarl as you get ready to attack back verbally.
Yes, the biggest reason, or one of the main reason men lie to you is they cannot handle your defensive maneuvers. That’s right, the way you get defensive, go for the tit for tat, start yelling and screaming at the one thing you crave from men: total honesty.
I know not all women get overly defensive with their man being honest, thus can take that in stride. Though often many women will lurch out, start bashing and ripping their man apart, for being honest. So, guess what ladies? Men lie to avoid these situations. Again, I am not condoning these actions by men! I’m trying to help you and your lover to be honest with one another; completely honest, even if it hurts like hell!
I see it in so many men’s faces during couple’s sessions, the fear and the “oh shit” on their faces when I ask: “Go ahead, be honest.” They want to run and hide! Not only are they ill prepared for the anger and attacks from their lady; they have a difficult time in hurting their feelings. It took me a long time to be completely honest with women for these very same reasons. Yes, me, Detroit’s Love Guru, Relationship and sex specialist. Go figure right! J I didn’t; want to see the hurt, or feel like I was being ripped apart for the very thing they would ask for.
This is where I got to the point in gaining confidence in myself and in my own virtues. Where I’m going to stand up and be honest, no matter what! Now, there is a difference in being mean and an a-hole in your honesty! Do not belittle, ridicule or degrade! I worked hard as hell at being honest, even knowing it would piss a lady off, or hurt her feelings. Again, this was not my intention! My intention was being honest. After all, that’s what women desire.
Ladies, I know it may hurt you intensely to hear a man’s honesty. The truth in what he feels or thinks. I even spoke about emotional maturity in my book: The Relationship Guide: Tools to Ignite Love & Intimacy It’s not easy and I do totally understand. Though if you truly want your man to be honest with you, practice what you preach, or in this case, the resiliency in hearing the truth. Think about this. If you ask your man: “Do I please you sexually?” and he tells you no. This is going to sting like hell. It would and does for us men as well. Can you get to the place where you want to learn to be the best he’s ever had? ;)
It takes maturity, self-confidence to hear the truth. Especially when it is directed at our core essence of the woman you are. I totally get it and do understand. Men, you need to understand that your lady is learning, and growing to be willing to hear your honesty. Do not give up! Be patient.
Are you confident in yourself? Let me break this down a bit. We can be confident in our work, confident as a parent, friend, adult child, you name it. Though we all have flaws and weaknesses, every single one of us. Even the superheros and super-heroines have their weak spots.
I talk about true confidence often. This is the ability to recognize our flaws and faults and not run from them, lie about them, or pretend they don't exist to others. True confidence is the ability to not throw the flaws of others in their faces, so we look better. It is not arrogance!
Actual confidence is being compassionate, kind and respectful towards others, yet at the same time, to set healthy boundaries for yourself. It is not being a door mat or disrespecting yourself; hell no!
In what areas do you fake your confidence? Is it with your work skills, your sexual confidence or lack there of? Does your financial situation destroy confidence? What about a body image, physical appearance, or your partner acts like she or he isn't turned on by you?
Be honest with yourself, then look at what things are in your control to change and evolve. Here's a little exercise for you to work on as well. ;)
For 30 seconds, write down everything that is right about you!
Listen up gentlemen! You need to play an active role in your relationships and in your marriage.
Are you the one who lets your lady take the lead all, or most of the time? The only way you know there is a problem in the relationship is if she voices it to you? I’m sure this sounds very familiar. ;)
It’s funny how many men will take an active role, even being assertive when it comes to sex. Okay, perhaps, I’m guilty of that myself! LOL. That’s not a bad thing by the way! I’m talking about taking an active role in making sure the status of your relationship is good, even great! Ask questions and inquire if your wife or girlfriend feels love and important. Take an active role in making the relationship stronger, more passionate, more loving, and more fun!
Too often, I do hear complaints from ladies that “it seems like everything in the relationship seems to be my responsibility!” Yes, it does take work to have a great relationship! Yes, this means you too gentlemen! Make an effort and step up your game in asking questions about how she may be feeling in life, and most definitely in your relationship.
I know guys, that you do not want to promote nagging or criticism. I get all of that! Hell, I don’t like that either! Though this will ultimately make her feel important and cared about by you! This is a simple, though very effective way of being actively involved in the relationship. It’s not a lot of work! Listen and learn what she needs to feel more passion and love in the relationship; then start doing them! Well, within reason! LOL I’m not referring to life threatening tasks! After all, the more she feels important and valued, the closer she will most likely want to be with you.. If you get me! ;)
How to detox the toxic relationship? First, an honest, gut check assessment of the relationship would need to take place. Everyone is in a relationship because we are getting something out of it. It’s when the balance of needs is tilted, or even lopsided is when an evaluation is required.
I readily advise people, clients, students, and even friends to discuss these situations with the person. One needs to be honest and sincere, and deserves to be heard. If the relationship does not change or grow from these talks, then one needs to see if it’s a healthy situation to be in, or if it needs to cease.
A majority of these situations do involve boundaries. Instilling healthy personal boundaries is a key element in many of the above dynamics. I promote people gaining self-insight and inner strength while establishing boundaries. It gets more difficult when you start building boundaries and are challenged by others. These come in the forms of “You’re selfish!” “You’re such a jerk (or insert colorful lingo here).” Many people are used to you being a doormat, or perhaps always giving in and always being there. When you start growing and evolving into a healthier you, these people will try to bring you back. Hold true to yourself and if these individuals do not respect your changing and growing, then perhaps they need to move on. It’s never easy! The guilt and shame associated with this growing process can haunt you. Keep reassuring yourself that this is healthy and you deserve to be heard, to feel important and even loved.